You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
