last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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