U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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