so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
