I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
