I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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