Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
