but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
