I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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