My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
