so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I stole a fireplace last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
