Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
