Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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