um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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