I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
