Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
