I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
