Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
