just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
