You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish i was in the wii world.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Randomize
