guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
