Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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