you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
