Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
