I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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