Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize