if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A bitchslap is in order.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
