Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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