I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
