I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
His nipple licking is glorious
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