OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
