is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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