I wish my penis had an off switch
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
