you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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