My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
