apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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