one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
