nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The Olympian is in my bed
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
