don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
