I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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