Farmville is her only friend.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
