last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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