Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
