I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
