I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
