the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
