I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
