I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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