If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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