Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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