my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
